I grew up with a high carbo-hydrate diet lacking raw foods, specifically raw milk with the healthy bacteria necessary for assimilation of nutrients and lived in a high stress home environment where every day was like a fire drill. The fruit was a narrow palate, under-developed jaw-line with a narrow forehead and a nice case of scoliosis. I was the poster-boy for ecto-morph body type; with all the negative symptoms of insomnia, chronic fatique and perpetual pessimism. What ever could go wrong did, the master of disaster; a day late and a dollar short. The guy that ends up holding the bag and never gets the girl. Rejection and ridicule both at home and school were a daily experience. I learned to deal with it; by adopting the I don’t care attitude. It was an avoidance pattern, that led me to never giving my best effort and always holding back a bit to have a ready-made excuse for failing.
I stopped taking emotional risks and succumed to my fears, well almost but not completely. The anger fueled a drive, but I did not know where I was heading. All, I knew was I was immensely unhappy and wanted some pleasure. I may not have finished anything; but I never did settle and continue to search for answers.
It was the birthing of my inner Beta-Male, the guy that appeased people to avoid conflict at all costs. I did this with both Men and Women, hence I never got what I wanted and the anger began to build which was repressed into depression and apathy. Rationalizations were created to buffer the expanding resume of rejection letters; from women, teachers and mostly my father. In my Mother’s eyes, I could do no wrong; there was no standard for behavior. In my father’s eyes, I could do no right. Success was punished and failure was rewarded. I was essentially wired in reverse for life.
Fast forward a few years, more than a few years and that kid that never quit; well he never quit and began to find some answers that really worked. I learned over the years that running ahead really fast without a plan; just got you tired and you ended up in the exact same place. Real change, not spare change need a vertical rise to a new level. In life I have had moments in life where there were some peak experiences, like 6th grade little league where I was the star for once in my life; moments of success where I felt on top of the world. How did I get there? I don’t know it just happened magically? What is the source of that Magic? Today, I know it to be hormones most specifically testosterone. Peak experiences are generated by high hormones. In adolescence, if I did not have the negative feedback from my parents and the in-correct diet; I would have grew into my original design as a Meso-morph more Tom Brady and less computer geek-nerd. I would have looked the part and gotten the girl. Symmetrical looks however are a symptom of high hormones; it is the hormone levels themselves that generate the magical experiences. Without the hormones, happiness does not exist. To the degree that we are hormonally de-ficient is the degree that we are out of tune with existence and misery ensues.